Narrator: In Ancient times, when dragons roamed the realm
And bloody battle made with noble knights
When damsels in distress won heroes’ hearts
And men were men (although they all wore tights)
A goodly knight, in nature as in name
Was riding on his horse across the plain.
For valour and for victory he’d fought
And served his sovereign liege in distant lands
Although the youth had yearned to hurry home
For King and Country held he in his hands
His sword and spear, until he faced his foe
And won the war. Then homeward he did go.
This worthy warrior put his foes to shame
Sir Andrew Goodly was his goodly name.

Enter Sir Goodly on a horse

Sir Goodly: Come on, Wildfire. Only three more miles to go! Think of the reception that we’ll get when the King sees how well we’ve done. Think of the glory! All right, then – think of the sugar-cubes and nice juicy oats they’ll give you in the royal stables. That’s more like it! Giddy up.

Exit

Enter Princess Penelope, Handmaidens and Guards
Princess Penelope: Ahh! This pool is perfect! Such lovely, cool, fresh water, and such a secluded spot! How far from the castle do you think we are, Agnes?

Agnes: I’d say about three miles, my lady.

Penelope: Three miles! I’m sure no-one will disturb us here.

Beatrice: I shouldn’t expect so, my ladyship.

Penelope: Guards, you may go off a little way. I require some privacy.

Guards: Yes, my lady! (exit)

Penelope: This will be a perfect place to bathe.

Beatrice: Bathe, my lady?

Penelope: Yes, Beatrice – a lovely spot to perform my ablutions!

Agnes: We don’t quite understand, my lady.

Penelope: To bathe is to wash.

Beatrice: Do you mean – err – like washing your clothes?

Penelope: Not quite. Bathing is washing oneself.

Agnes: Good heavens. What with?

Penelope: With water!

Beatrice: But there’s plenty of water at the castle for you to wash your face and hands with.

Agnes: My lady, why do you need to bathe here?

Penelope: I am going to immerse myself in this pool. I shall wash myself from head to toe.

Agnes: Lord have mercy on us all!

Beatrice: Good my lady, I beg you not to do it.

Penelope: Why, Beatrice? Beatrice: You’ll catch your death of cold. My Uncle Albert fell into a pool of water once and perished of pneumonia.

Agnes: Besides, it isn’t decent. What would people say?

Penelope: In France it is the custom for the more refined people to bathe. Why, when Princess Marie of Normandy visited us recently, she told me that she bathes once a month!
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Agnes: Once a month! Oh heavens!

Penelope: Now please excuse me.

Beatrice: My lady!

Agnes: We’d better do what she says, Beatrice!

Exit Penelope. (off) Now hand me the soap. Agnes: Soap, my lady? Penelope: The white bar. It’s for me to wash with. SFX: Splashing of water. Penelope (off): Ahh, this is so refreshing. I feel so clean!

Enter Sir Goodly

Agnes: What are you doing here?

Beatrice: Stay back, young knight. The Princess is bathing and mustn’t be disturbed.

Sir Goodly: Bathing?

Agnes: Yes, bathing! Don’t you know what bathing is?

Beatrice: She’s immersing herself in water. The people in France do it.

Agnes: Yes, at least once a month.

Sir Goodly: But where is she bathing?

Agnes: Why, in yonder pool of course.

Sir Goodly: But this is terrible!

Beatrice: Obviously you aren’t acquainted with the latest customs if you think bathing is terrible.

Sir Goodly: It’s a catastrophe.

Agnes: It isn’t! It’s actually very fashionable.

Sir Goodly: It’s a disaster.

Beatrice: But all the more refined sorts of people do it, don’t they, Agnes?

Agnes: Yes, of course! Everybody knows that!

Sir Goodly: You fools, don’t you realise? That pool is the Kraken’s pool. Agnes: The Kraken? Sir Goodly: Yes, the Kraken! A terrible water-dragon with teeth the size of daggers and eyes the size of dinner-plates. I must go in and rescue her. Beatrice: But Sir, she isn’t dressed. Sir Goodly: No time to worry about that! Her life is at stake.

Sir Goodly goes behind the screen

Sir Goodly (off): Princess! Come out of the water quickly or your life will be in danger! Penelope (off): A man! Arghhh! Get away from me, you filthy brute! Cover your eyes! Sir Goodly (off): My lady, you must get out of the water. If you stay there you will surely die! Penelope (off): How dare you threaten me! Guards! Guards! Help! First Guard: Our lady calls us. Second Guard: Madam, what is your will? Penelope (coming out from the screen in a dressing gown and with wet hair): Arrest that man! Sir Goodly: But I’ve done nothing wrong! Agnes: Oh yes you have. You have insulted the princess! Beatrice: You have encroached upon her modesty. Agnes: And threatened her life! Sir Goodly: This is ridiculous! I did not threaten her life. Beatrice: Didn’t you hear him saying to the princess that if she didn’t get out of the water she would die? Agnes: Yes. I swear he would have killed her if you hadn’t got here in time. Sir Goodly: This is an outrage. I’m innocent! First Guard: Come along quietly, sir. I’m sure the king will let you explain what happened! Second Guard: Yes – he always lets criminals tell their side of the story before he chops off their heads! Sir Goodly: Oh no! Please be merciful! I’m rather fond of my head; I would hate to lose it. Penelope: Show him no mercy! First Guard: You heard the lady! Get a move on!

Scene Two

Narrator: And so Sir Goodly came before the king With charges capital against his head His situation was quite desperate And he believed himself as good as dead. The case against him seemed quite watertight The chance that he’d be pardoned, rather slight. Enter King, Attendants, Princess Penelope and Handmaidens King: Bring forth the prisoner! Attendant: Bring forth the prisoner! Enter Guards and Sir Goodly King: Is your name Sir Andrew Goodly? Sir Goodly: Yes, your majesty. King: Sir Andrew, you have been charged with a very serious crime. How do you plead? Sir Goodly: Not guilty. King: Be advised, young man, that if you do not confess your crimes you’ll only make things worse for yourself. Sir Goodly: Make things worse? How could I possibly make things worse? The axe-man has already sharpened his axe and is going to chop off my head at dawn tomorrow. And I’m innocent. King: Come forth, Beatrice and Agnes. Ladies, in your own words, describe what happened. Beatrice: Yes your majesty. If it please your majesty, we escorted the princess some three miles out of town to a pool in a grove where she wished to bathe. King: Bathe? Agnes: Yes, your majesty – to wash herself by immersing herself in water. King: Well I never; the girl does have some strange ideas. Then what happened? Beatrice: Then a knight rode up and intruded upon her privacy. He saw her bathing and threatened to kill her. King: And could you identify the knight? Agnes: Yes – it’s him. Beatrice: Yes – him! King: Thank you. I have no further questions. Sir Goodly, did you or did you not see the princess bathing? Sir Goodly: I did. King: And did you call out to her that her life was in danger unless she came out of the pool? Sir Goodly: Yes, my lord. What else would any man have done in my situation? I had to protect her. King: I put it to you that the only protection she needed was from you! Sir Goodly: No, your majesty! King: How dare you contradict your king. Sir Goodly: If I had not rescued her, the Kraken would have killed her. King: If these guards had not rescued her, you would have killed her! Sir Goodly, it is the judgment of this court that you have allowed your baser instincts to overcome your reason, and that under the influence of vile passions you have insulted the honour and virtue of our royal princess and plotted to take her life. There can only be one sentence for such a crime – death. Sir Goodly: Please have mercy! I’m innocent! King: Take him away! Penelope: Wait, father! King: Yes, my daughter. Penelope: Shouldn’t I have some say about how this man is to be dealt with? King: Penelope, He is going to have his head chopped off. Surely that is enough punishment. Penelope: I was the victim. Let me pass judgment. King: I won’t allow him to be tortured. No matter what he’s done, a speedy, death with a good sharp axe is enough to see to it that justice is served. Penelope: Let me speak, father. This man allowed his passions to get the better of him. He thought only of what he wanted and ignored my feelings. But he is young and young men are often foolish and inconsiderate. I want him to have one more chance to learn the error of his ways. Sir Goodly: But I’m innocent! King: Enough of that! Surely a swift execution would be more convenient. Penelope: No! I want to give him a year and a day to find the answer to a question. If he can do it, I want you to let him go free. If he can’t, then you can punish him however you see fit. Sir Goodly: Oh thank you, princess! King: A year and a day? And I was so looking forward to a nice bloody execution in the morning! Very well! What is your question? Penelope: What is it that women most desire? Sir Goodly: What is it that women most desire? That’s a bit of a daft question, isn’t it? They all want something different! Penelope: Find the answer within a year and a day, or your neck’ll be on the chopping block. King: You know, Penelope, it is a bit of a daft question. Can’t you just ask him to slay a few dragons or something. I like a bit of dragon slaying. Penelope: He needs to learn respect for women. Hacking up a few dragons isn’t going to make him more sensitive to our feelings, is it? King: I suppose not. Sir Goodly, you must find out what women most desire. Sir Goodly: But your majesty, it’s impossible! King: You heard the girl. Consider yourself lucky. Even if you can’t find the answer, you still get to live for another year. Now go! Sir Goodly: Yes, your majesty. (exit) King: And as for you, no more of this funny bathing business. We are royalty – we have our reputation to consider! Princess: Yes, father!

Scene Three

Narrator: So good Sir Goodly gets a royal reprieve And sets out on his sturdy steed, Wildfire. His life hangs in the balance; he must find Exactly what all women most desire And while Sir Goodly travels high and low The more he seeks, the less he seems to know Sir Goodly: Come on, Wildfire, don’t give up on me now! This is the last village in the land. If we don’t find the answer to the riddle here, we’re done for. Hoppit: Good evening, master! Sir Goodly: Good evening. And what is your name, sir? Hoppit: Hoppit! Sir Goodly: I say, how rude! I only asked your name! Hoppit: Hoppit, sir! Sir Goodly: Watch your tongue! Hoppit: My name is Hoppit, sir. The Hoppits have lived in Little Piddlepuddle since time immemorial. Sir Goodly: And this is Little Piddlepuddle? Hoppit: No sir; this is Upper Piddlepuddle. We moved here a few months ago. But what brings you here, sir? Sir Goodly: I need to speak to all the women-folk in the village. Hoppit: About what? Sir Goodly: About what they most desire. Hoppit: Well that sounds rather inappropriate, sir, if you don’t mind me saying so. Sir Goodly: But I need to know. Hoppit: You can’t go prying into women’s secret business like that when you’ve never met them. You can’t just go up to a total stranger and say “Hello darling, what do you want more than anything in the world?” It’s presumptuous, that’s what it is. Sir Goodly: Are you going to fetch the women or aren’t you? I need them to tell me what they desire. If I don’t find out I’m going to lose my head. Hoppit: I think you’ve lost it already. You’re bonkers! Sir Goodly: You don’t understand. The King’s daughter has asked me to find out what women most desire. If I can’t give her an answer by tomorrow, she’ll have my head chopped off. Hoppit: That’s a bit of a daft question, isn’t it? They all want something different! Sir Goodly: There’s gold for you if you fetch the women. Hoppit: Oh, well, that makes matters rather different. How much? Sir Goodly: Will three gold coins do? Hoppit: Five. Sir Goodly: Done! Hoppit: You certainly have been. Sir Goodly: Pardon? Hoppit: Nothing, sir! Thank you kindly sir! I’ll be back in a jiffy. Exit Sir Goodly: Let’s hope someone in this village has the answer we need, Wildfire. Otherwise, I’ll be getting the chop and you’ll have to find someone else to look after you. I never realised a year would go by so quickly. I don’t just hear the same answers other women give. Some want health; some want wealth; some want a handsome husband; some want to be beautiful – but I need to find out what all women want! Re-enter Hoppit with three women Hoppit: Here we are, Sir, all the women of the village, like you asked for. Sir Goodly: Is that it? Hoppit: Well it is a small village, sir. Sir Goodly: Just three women? Hoppit: A very small village. In fact, since the – err – unpleasantness last month, there’s now only one house left with anyone in it. Sir Goodly: Your house, I presume? Hoppit: Goodness, gracious me, you are a very wise man. Sir Goodly: And I take it that this is your family? Hoppit: Spot on again. You really are a remarkably clever man! Sir Goodly: You mean to say I paid you five gold coins to round up all the women in the village for me, and you have the audacity to come back here two minutes later with your own family and not a single other soul? Hoppit: Well, not exactly. Sir Goodly: What do you mean? Hoppit: Well, this is only the womenfolk in my family. You said you only wanted to speak to the ladies. My son’s still at home. He’s called Master Hoppit. And my father, Old Grandpa Hoppit is still inside as well. I’ll get them for you if you like. Sir Goodly: That won’t be necessary. Hoppit: Allow me to introduce my daughter. She’s called Miss Hoppit. This is my dear old mother. Her name is Old-Mother Hoppit. And finally my wife – Sir Goodly: Let me guess – Mrs. Hoppit? Ethel Hoppit: No, I’m Ethel. Sir Goodly: Ladies, thank you for sparing the time to speak to me. I am Sir Andrew Goodly and I have been given a challenge by the King’s daughter. Miss Hoppit: Not Penelope? Sir Goodly: Yes, Princess Penelope. Miss Hoppit: Whatever she’s asked you to do, it must be impossible. She’s going to have your head chopped off. Sir Goodly: Yes – thank you for those words of encouragement. In fact, I am confident that… Miss Hoppit: She’s sent dozens of people from around here off on quests to fight dragons or find magic potions in haunted forests; they never make it. Either they die trying, or they come back having to admit failure. Then it’s off to the tower to get the chop. Sir Goodly: Well, I’m sure I can accomplish the task I’ve been set. Miss Hoppit: Did she give you a year and a day? Sir Goodly: Yes, as a matter of fact. Miss Hoppit: And how long have you got left? A month? Sir Goodly: No, not quite! Old Mother Hoppit: A week? Sir Goodly: Not exactly. Ethel: A day? This is your last day, isn’t it? Sir Goodly: Well, err – yes actually. But as I was saying, I am confident that I can complete the task I’ve been set. Miss Hoppit: You don’t stand a chance! Old Mother Hoppit: Shame really – such a nice head. The poor boy won’t be nearly so attractive without it. Ethel: Yes, and he’ll be terribly short, too! Sir Goodly: Look, all I need to do is find out what women most desire. Ethel: That’s a bit of a daft question, isn’t it? Miss Hoppit, Ethel and Old Mother Hoppit: They all want something different! Sir Goodly: Yes, I know! But what do women most desire? How about you, Mrs. Hoppit. Ethel: My name is Ethel. Sir Goodly: Ethel! What do you most desire? Ethel: Good company! It’s been so lonely in this village since the – Hoppit: The unpleasantness? Ethel: Yes, dear. It’s been so quiet in the evenings. I long for old friends to sing songs and drink ale with; people to gossip with. Since the – Hoppit: Unpleasantness? Ethel: Yes. There’s no one to gossip with, and there’s no one to gossip about. It’s terribly dull. Sir Goodly: That’s a good answer. Everyone wants good fellowship – the company of friends. Who could disagree with that? Miss Hoppit: I could. Ethel: I beg your pardon, dear? Miss Hoppit; Actually, I much prefer my own company. The thing I want more than anything else in the whole world is peace and quiet. Hoppit: That’s two things, dear. You mustn’t be greedy. Miss Hoppit: Dad! I want peace and quiet, and a little place of my own where I can live how I want to without being disturbed. Old Mother Hoppit:: Well, all the other houses in the village apart from ours have been deserted since the – Hoppit: Unpleasantness, mother? Old Mother Hoppit: That’s right, son! She could move into one of those if she wants to be on her own. Of course they might still be… Hoppit: Unpleasant. Old Mother: Yes – unpleasant. It’s too much of a risk to take. Sir Goodly: And now I’ll ask the oldest. Surely you are the wisest and the most experienced. What do you most desire? Old Mother Hoppit: Soft bread. Sir Goodly: Soft bread? What sort of an answer is that? Old Mother: You’ll find out soon enough. You may be young now, be when you’ve got arthritis like me you’ll know what it is to yearn for something that you can manage to chew. All we have here is black rye bread that’s as tough as old boots, and each mouthful has me in agony. Oh for some soft white wheaten bread, like the bread kings and princes eat! Sir Goodly: And you desire that more than anything else? Old Mother: Indeed I do. Sir Goodly: More than anything in the whole world? More than wealth and riches, more than youth and beauty, more than peace, love and understanding? You want soft bread? Old Mother: That’s what I said. When you’ve got dentures like me, you’ll know what it is to long for something you can eat that doesn’t get stuck in your gnashers. Sir Goodly: This is no good. I can’t tell Princess Penelope that women desire soft bread. And I’ve been to every village in the land. I’m doomed. Hoppit: Every village, you say? Sir Goodly: Yes; I’ve spoken to every woman in every town and village in the kingdom. Hoppit: Have you spoken to any of the women who don’t live in towns and villages? Sir Goodly: What women? Hoppit: There are women who live on their own, in holy or haunted places. Some call them witches, but I prefer to call them wise women. Sir Goodly: You mean the daft old crones who live surrounded by stray cats, brewing up filthy cauldrons of muddy pond-weed tea that they try to pass off as herbal medicine? They aren’t witches or wise – they’re lunatics! Hoppit: The way I see it you haven’t got anything to lose. Ethel: You don’t really have much of a choice. Hoppit: If I were you, I’d go and talk to the wise old woman who lives by the medlar tree along the lane towards the river. Sir Goodly: And you think she’ll be able to answer my question. Hoppit: Oh yes, I have no doubt about it. But there are three things you should know about the wise old woman. Sir Goodly: Yes? Miss Hoppit: First, she is wise. Old Mother Hoppit: Second, she is old. Ethel: And third- Sir Goodly: She is a woman? Hoppit: So you do know her? Sir Goodly: No; it was just a hunch. Hoppit: You truly are an astoundingly clever man, sir. Good luck with your quest! Exit Sir Goodly Ethel: What a remarkable young man. I do hope he finds the answer. Miss Hoppit: And I hope he hasn’t been affected by our village’s- Hoppit: Unpleasantness? Miss Hoppit: Yes – it would be a shame for him to escape a beheading and then come down with bubonic plague, wouldn’t it?

Scene Four

Narrator: Sir Goodly galloped down the lane Towards the river Goodly rode Until he saw a medlar tree And under it, a small abode And through the window, all alone There sat a dreadful, ugly crone. She had a crooked, pointy nose And blackened teeth, and warty skin Thick eyebrows and a balding head Hairy nostrils, sagging chin; Her back was twisted, with a hump. The sight of her would make you jump. Sir Goodly: Good evening to you, old crone. Are you the wise woman? Wise Woman: Well, I am a woman. Sir Goodly: Yes… Wise Woman: And I am wise. Sir Goodly: Yes… Wise Woman: So you could say that I am the wise woman. Sir Goodly: Good, because there’s something I want to ask you. Wise Woman: But then again, you could say that I am not the wise woman. There are people who say that I am and there are people who say that I am not. Sir Goodly: I see. Wise Woman: Those who say I am might be right and those who say I am not might be wrong. Sir Goodly: Look, I’m a bit pressed for time, so can I just ask you my question? Wise Woman: That depends. Sir Goodly: On what? Wise Woman: Do you know what your question is? Sir Goodly: Of course I do. Wise Woman: And do you know what the answer is? Sir Goodly: Well if I knew what the answer was, I wouldn’t need to ask the question, would I? Wise Woman: You’re a very wise man. You may ask your question. Sir Goodly: Oh wise woman, what is it that women most desire? Wise Woman: That’s a bit of a daft question, isn’t it? They all want something different. Sir Goodly: That’s what I said. But is there one thing that all women desire more than anything else? Wise Woman: Yes, yes – oh yes there is. Good bye! Sir Goodly: Wait; you haven’t told me the answer! Wise Woman: Oh! Oh, no, I suppose I haven’t. Did I say that I would? Sir Goodly: But you said that I… Wise Woman: I said that you could ask me a question, and you did. I did not say that I would answer it. Sir Goodly: But if you don’t tell me the answer, I’m going to die. Wise Woman: We are all going to die. Sir Goodly: I’m going to die tomorrow morning. Wise Woman: I see. Then I will tell you, but first you must make a promise to me. You must do one favour for me – only one. Sir Goodly: Yes of course; what do you want me to do? Wise Woman: Be patient. When the time comes, I will tell you. Sir Goodly: All right. I accept your terms. Wise Woman: Good. The thing women most desire is – their own will. Sir Goodly: I don’t understand. Wise Woman: Their own will. To have their own say; to get their own way; to do as they wish. Not to be ruled by a father or husband or brother. Sir Goodly: Are you sure that’s the answer? Their own will! It sounds pretty simple. Wise Woman: Have you heard a better one? Sir Goodly: I suppose I haven’t. Wise Woman: Well then, be on your way back to the castle to tell the king your answer – but don’t forget that you’ll have to keep your promise to me. Sir Goodly: I won’t forget. Thank you, wise woman! (exit) Wise Woman: I’d better get myself ready to go to the castle, too; I can’t wait till I see that young man’s face when I tell him what I want him to do for me.